I like to think that most of the things that I think about are what the majority of the world would classify as “sane thoughts”. Of course I am sure most people would also like to feel this way about their thoughts. Which makes it quite ironic that a large majority of my “sane thoughts” are related to me thinking that other people are fucking nuts.
Initially the belief that I came up with was that everyone else is crazy. I think that stated in an appropriate way, (ex. A) I believe the entire human population is bag shit crazy.) this single belief seems, or at least it seems to me, rather easy to accept. It was precisely this,(refer to ex. A)) that got me questioning my belief. The problem I struggled with, was that if I was the only person who felt sane, would I actually be sane.
Now lets dive in to what it would mean to actually be sane. For me to say that I consider myself “sane” by definition, it would mean “Being in a healthy condition, not deranged, acting rationally, said of the mind”, according to Webster’s online dictionary. But what does that really mean? Perhaps that I take part in every day activities that constitute the lives of upstanding citizens. Things like school, work, family-matters, sports, manners (though my mother would not agree with the latter), etc. Or maybe it is that I choose to abide by a solid majority of laws, things like wearing clothes, driving on the right side of the road, not shooting people, and so on. I am not just giving these examples randomly, my reasoning is that most of the things I listed above could be why I am considered sane, are things that I do, but have no understanding of why I do them, or why they are important to others. Meaning roughly that I think sanity is me doing the things that I do not think about doing. On the flip side, to be insane by definition, I would have to be “Exhibiting unsoundness or disorder of mind; not sane; mad; deranged in mind; delirious; distracted.” Rightly so, that sounds pretty spot on as far as being the exact opposite of the definition for sane. My feelings towards sanity, force me to think that insanity is doing the things that I think about.
But how exactly did I get sanely insane? Your comment, (yes you) about me having to dig deeper into where the idea of my being insane actually came from, has a rather ironic ring to it. This idea, came from a combination of life experiences. From my “nuclear family” child hood, where my life was like a cookie cutter version of growing up. I don’t mean this in a negative way, I just want to illustrate a main point (in just a second). As an adolescent, life was easy. The schools I attended, the clubs I played sports for, the temple I attended, everything shared this sort of boringness among them. Is it bad for me to say that I never really dealt with strange or unknown things. Things were simple, and in short I lived what we will call a life of “no chaos”. Now, older and really hitting stride in my education, I see how bad things are on the outside, how terribly unsatisfying the “real world” can appear. What sort of background might someone have needed to feel differently than this? Seems rather simple when you think about it in a broad sense. By that I mean that someone who grew up amongst strange or unknown things, whether that be not knowing why your mom is scared of your dad, why you don’t have money for lunch today, why your mom drinks herself to sleep every night. All of the infinite possibilities of living a life “with chaos” would enable someone to believe that the world is not what it appears from the eyes of a child. Now I go about my time doing things that I feel are pointless because there is so much more that needs to be dealt with.
I sanely feel that I am insane because this world, the world that my adult self is starting to become a part of, is fucking insane (especially compared to the life I grew up knowing, and no one seems to give a damn.